Horses and Beetles and Bears, Oh Crap

I have a horse! After I finish registering him, I let myself gallop around stable a little so I can get used to the controls. Seems like horses are, for the most part, smart enough to follow a path on their own. I say for the most part because there seems to be some training involved. Fabio keeps veering off the trail, forcing me to correct him. I figure out the taming process pretty easily. He does what he’s not supposed to, I correct him, I pet him, he loves me more. I’ll have him fully trained in no time.

...I know you...

I meet another couple of wandering merchants at the stable. The first is Agus. He is farmer who comes from Hateno Village, the other town nearby. He travels here with his donkey, selling eggs, milk, and butter - even more ingredients. The other merchant is a familiar face: Beedle! Obviously not the same Beedle, but an ancestor of those in past games. Without any sort of transportation this time, he lugs around his wares in an oversized backpack which comical is shaped like a beetle. He sells a variety of goods, arrows, some bugs, and something called an Octo Balloon. I don’t buy anything, but before he lets me go, he notices I have a beetle on me that I must have caught earlier. He BEGS me to trade it to him. I’m actually too uncomfortable to say no, so I let him. I can always get more. He gives me a Mighty Elixir in exchange. I guess that works.

Little Twin Bridge

Now, time for some treasure hunting. I guide Fabio over the Big Twin Bridge, and then further down the path past the turn to go through the mountain. It’s peaceful, and before long I’m also crossing over the Little Twin Bridge, the name appearing and fading away. The path eventually ends, forcing me to manually steer my still unruly horse along the river bank. Up ahead, I can see the waterfall hat would be the mouth of the river. On the top, I can see some…discoloration? I’m going to guess It’s a bombable rock wall, hiding the treasure cache.

I already made a joke about leading a
horse to water in the last one, didn't I?

I continue to follow the river on my horse until I’m at the base of the waterfall, where I must dismount Fabio to continue my trek. After hopping into the river, I wade through the shallow water to cross a few rocky outcrops. There’s a lone rock on one of them – you guessed it, Korok! Back to the waterfalls, I figure out pretty quickly that I need to climb up alongside it – the water obviously makes the actual waterfall too slippery to climb.

I make it about half way up without issue. There’s a small “shelf” where I can rest and regain my stamina before continuing. I pick up a few silent shrooms growing along the cliffside, and I pull myself up to the top. Looking out over Hickaly Woods, towards the stable, I again take a moment to take in the beauty of the game.

Then I turn around and blow up a chunk of it.

Can video game screenshots win Getty Awards?

After blowing out the wall blocking the cave entrance, I enter to find a shit-ton of chests, just as the sidequest is marked off as completed. Ha, those two chumps couldn’t figure it out. I go through all the chests and collect a number of gem stones, a nice Throwing Spear and a FLAMEBLADE. The effects on it are really cool looking – the flames apparently need time to “heat up” and you can see the sword actually charge before turning bright red. Awesome. I gather everything up and organize it before exiting the cave.

Hickaly Woods

It’s starting to rain and get a little dark so I should get back to the stable. I jump from the waterfall and float down with my paraglider. As I land next to Fabio, it starts to rain. Great. Let’s get out of here, horse. Easier said then done. Still not fully trained, I have a hard time getting Fabio to listen to me as we try and exit the woods and make our way back to the bridge. After a few false starts I find myself in the middle of the woods, struggling to get my bearings.

WHAT IS HAPPENING

Just as I am about to pull out the map, a roar to my left startles me, as does the BEAR CHARGING AT ME. Without thinking I set Fabio off into gallop, taking me further into the woods. I don’t go for very long though before I see something that terrifies me. A giant, walking, one eyed skeleton. And I’m headed right for it. In a blind panic I throw open the map and fast travel back to the shrine near the stable. Fabio does not warp with me. I am sorry to sacrifice you, horse friend. ☹

---

I reappear at Ha Dahamar Shrine sans horse. I head into the stable to give myself a moment to catch my wits. What the fuck was that giant ass skeleton thing in the woods? What the fuck was a bear doing in the woods? Okay, wait, the woods, nevermind that one checks out. I pop open my map, and I can see the little horse icon in the middle of the forest where I abandoned Fabio. Probably getting eaten by that skeleton. Or that bear. Or both.

WHAT IS HAPPENING

As I walk back to the stable, I see that the rain has cleared, and there is a rainbow shooting across the sky.

I’m a murderer.

Manslaughterer?

Horseslaughterer.

I move to the front to speak with Tasseren, though he doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong. Has he not yet learned of my crimes? He asks if I’d like to take out a horse, and I say yes, assuming the game will give me an error message about the horse already being out. But nope, there’s Fabio, in all his glory! Thanks for risking your life, Tass.

I do my best to give my horsey friend a hug. Then I take out an apple, intending to feed it to him, but he chomps it right out of my hand! Didn’t know they could do that. Glad I didn’t lose a finger, either.

Alright, I’m getting a little sick and tired of everything in this game scaring the shit out of me. Starting to become more of a problem then it is funny. Fuck that giant-ass skeleton. I’m gonna take him the fuck down.

---

Or he is going to take himself down, I guess. I reenter Hickaly Woods with Fabio very, very carefully. No signs of any bears nor giant walking skeletons, but I do spot this...weird blue rabbit thing. It also looks kind of...fairy like? No idea what it was though.

I have no idea what's happening anymore.

Not much further in than that though is when I find our skeleton friend. Or what is left of him I guess. He’s on the ground - hell, parts of him are buried in the ground - and not moving. From a safe vantage point, I try seeing if I can do anything to get him up. Bombs, arrows, other weapons - nothing. Just stays there on the ground like an unmoving...skeleton.

Well, it is daylight now, and the only other skeletons I’ve met in this game are only active at night. Willing to bet if I came back out here at night, he’d be awake enough for me.

...let’s save that for after Kakariko.

---

Heart Containers: 4
Shrines Completed: 7
Koroks Found: 16
Horses Abandoned: 1 0
Bears Faced: 1
Skeletons Walking Around: 0, for now

Getting Thrown Off A Lot of Fucking Horses - Screenshot Roundup 32

You Can Chase a Horse to Water, But It’s Going to Try and Fuck You Up

The Water Guides

    ~Ha Dahamar Shrine~

Does it now? Entering the Shrine, I am met with a long hallway instead of the usual open room. Must be a fairly linear trial. I head forward towards a waterfall, flowing into a small pool before a raised platform. I use Cryonis to make myself a platform from the water and climb up to the next platform, simple.

The next platform, though, is separated by a gap. There’s another waterfall but it just goes straight down, there’s no water for me to make a pillar to climb in. What the hell? I try making the jump once, obviously I don’t even come close.

...Well played, game.

It’s only after I turn on Cryonis again and move the cursor over the waterfall that I see what I’m supposed to do. Cryonis can even be used sideways on waterfalls, making the columns stick out on their side. To be fair, logic would dictate that the ice would fall to the ground, but hey, magic! This is way more cool then it is annoying. Not sure why I never thought of something like that. This game is expanding my mind in all kinds of ways.

I make my first sideways pillar, close enough to jump to and climb up, but it is apparent that I'll need to make a second to gross the gap. Turning to look at my handiwork, I spot a chest dangling over the platform i just crossed from. I make another pillar to climb up and retrieve a Purple Rupee.

Okay this is a bit much.

The hallway opens up after that, wide. I see sets of stairs leading me slightly higher, but they dead end into the wall. To my right, however, is a MASSIVE wall of water across a huge gap. Against this wall of water are a number of ramps, with a key-orb perpetually rolling down the ramps and into the abyss. The keyhole for the orb lies at the bottom of the room, attached to what I assume is the chamber holding Ha Dahamar and the Spirit Orb.

This the most puzzly shrine I’ve come across so far. I need to use Cryonis to create a stop gap and prevent the orb from falling into the pit. The first one I simple, I just position it so that the orb will run into it and then drop down. However on that level, one of the ramps is attached to an axel and so can’t support the orbs weight, spinning and dropping it. So I make a second pillar underneath, preventing it from rotating when the orb hits it. Finally, I create one last pillar to help the orb clear the last gap and roll into its slot.

Ha Dahamar

I climb back down the stairs and enter the final room, greeting Ha Dahamar and earning another Spirit Orb. Back to the stable!

Dueling Peaks Stable

Back outside the shrine, I notice that all the spikes surrounding the Shrine are gone, allowing me to walk safely back to the stable. Thanks Ha Dahamar! Sagessa is standing on the shore, staring at the Shrine. She talks of how the Shrines are around 10,000 years old. Also she finds the glowing light romantic. You do you, girl.

Now, I have some options for what to do next. Obviously I still need to get to Kakariko, but I’ve never been the kind of person to focus only on the main storyline. I have a quest I could do, hunting down the treasure cache before those two brothers do. There’s also a matter of this horse contest I was challenged to. Winning that will complete the quest AND I get a shiny new horse. Given the size of the map, a horse would be very useful. Decision made.

Wild Horses

That’s the name of the quest. Before speaking with Rensa I talk to the other residents at the stable, gathering as much much horse info as I can. Then I speak with Rensa again, this time I agree to his contest. I have two minutes to find, catch, and return with a horse. Yeehaw.

Bubinga Forest

The timer starts, and I’m off! I race behind the stable and into the nearby woods. I spot a herd of horses strolling together along the Squabble River. From what the twins at the stable told me, horses that are a solid color are harder to tame, but have better stats, while horses that have spots or multiple colors are easier to tame, but slower ad with less stamina.

There was a lot of this.

Not one to half ass anything, I set my eyes on a pretty brown horse with a dark mane. The other horses seem to be of the multi-color variety so they’re of little use to me, but even with the time limit I’m confident that horse will be mine. As I approach, I drop into a crouch, masking my sounds from the horses so I can sneak up.

Turns out you have to walk very, very quietly to not scare the horses. They run away on my first approach, spooked by my sounds. My second attempt is more successful, and I manage to get close to my horse to see the action command to “Mount” appear.

Heh, mount.

So, I do. And it is...intense. The horse immediately (and understandably) behind trying to buck me off. I miss it at first, but I spam the “Tame” button repeatedly as I watch my stamina wheel deplete until I am eventually kicked off and the horse gallops off. Fuck. The timer is almost up, I’ll need to try again.

Like, a lot.

And try again I do. Several times. The herd of horses always changes, but there’s always a nice looking solid one I want for my stable. I try a few more spots on the plains surrounding the stable where horses appear, either spooking the horses far off or getting bucked. But finally, I manage it.

I’m just northeast of the stable, peering from behind some ruins to stalk a herd of horses. I spot my target, a caramel covered horse with a blonde flowing mane. He will be mine. I crouch and ever so slowly sneaking over, positioning myself at the horse’s flank. Then, I mount him and before Link is even fully seated I begin mashing the trigger button. Just when I think I’m going to go flying again, a chime rings and pink lights spot around the horses head as we take off into a brisk gallop.

It's the hair.

I did it! I have a horse! And with a full minute to spare. I ride back to the stable, testing the limits of my new steed’s speed and stamina. I speak with Rensa, who is in awe that I beat his time, and also a little disappointed. He gives me my reward - a Purple Rupee, and also that he only won second place because it was only him and his brother competing. Do I get to challenge him too?

Apparently not. I speak Tasseren, who asks me if I would like to register my horse. They will even provide me a saddle and bridle. I’m shown his portrait and stats, and then given the opportunity to name him.

Everyone, I would like to introduce you to Fabio.

---

Heart Containers: 4
Shrines Completed: 7
Koroks Found: 15
Times Bucked Off Horse: Don’t worry about it, Janet.
Horses: 1
Mane: Luxurious

Dueling Peaks Stable & Meeting the Locals - Screenshot Roundup 30

And Twwiiiiiiins

Outside the shrine, I decide to continue along this side of the river. As I glide down, I see another classic Zelda enemy: an Octorok! They’ve gotten...floatier. Further up the path, I see a bokoblin encampment, and before that, another cliffside path. This one looks like it extends to the end of the mountain, so I go ahead and climb on up. The gathered bokoblins are all seated right next to a number of explosive barrels. It would be silly not to take advantage. I toss down a Remote Bomb and before they have a chance to react, boom. All except one are gone, one of the darker, heartier fellas. I leap down and finish him off quickly and open the unlocked chest to gain a Boomerang! Hey, I forgot about these things. Cool.

JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!

I climb back up the cliff to finish my journey. I notice an abundance of these black sparkling rocks. Like an red blooded American, I did the most sensible thing to figure out what it was: I tried to blow it up. Amber! And a Ruby! Holy crap! Turns out it's an Ore Deposit. I quickly blow up a couple more, netting a few more precious stones. Fuck it, if it's going to be that easy to find these things I might as well sell a few and not have to worry about money for a bit. Cha-ching.

Eventually, my pockets are full and I’m on the other side of the mountain(s). The scene ahead of me is gorgeous. There’s a large open green field with a forest alongside the river. A building of sorts with a large wooden statue of…I’m not sure what it is, but some kind of creature, sits alongside the road, across a bridge. Just down the cliff, I can see a shrine surrounded by shallow water next to a waterfall.

Still very much in love with this game. I float towards the structure.

Dueling Peaks Stable

OOOHHHHH! It’s a horse head! That makes sense. I wonder how they got that thing up there? Do they have cranes in Hyrule? It’s the morning, and this place seems to be pretty active. I see Mezer walking up the path, I’m happy to see he didn’t suffer anymore Lizafos attacks. There are people milling about, almost like an actual town. I speak with a woman, Sagessa, who sits by the campfire and talks to me about making potions – I need to do that more – and even hands me a Hasty Elixir! She also gives me the recipe, a Hightail Lizard, and monster parts. That’s just how she says it too, so I’m guessing the monster parts don’t really have an effect on the potion, except maybe for how long it will last. Next are a pair of twin boys, Darton and Shibo, who are kinda bratty, but still give me some info on catching a horse.

Oh yeah, apparently you have to catch your own horse.

Second place is just first loser.

I move to the front of the stable and speak with Rensa, one of the proprietors and possibly the twins father. I say possibly because his brother Tasseren is the one manning the counter, and who I will register my horse with once I catch one. Rensa also offers me directions to a few different places from here. There’s another village nearby, Hateno, pretty sure that name is totally new. Talking to him again, he was apparently the second-place winner in the Hyrule Horse-Taming Competition, and he offers me a challenge.

Sure buddy, I’ll kick your ass in just a minute.

Misko, the Great Bandit

I pick up my first sidequest! It’s weird even having formal sidequests like this, but I can dig it. I also appreciate that the quest markers don’t actually give away anything. First another set of brothers (that’s 3 in this one location) are hunting for the hidden treasure of Misko, the Great Bandit. Which is also the title of the quest. There’s a riddle they are trying to solve that reveals the location of a treasure stash. They will only tell it to me after I cough up 100 rupees for the info. Whatever, I can spare the cash.

Why are there so many twins? Is there something in the water?
Wait. Is this just a stupid twin theme because of the mountain?!

I’m gonna find that treasure and then rub it in their fat fucking faces.

The riddle reads like this: The little twin steps over the little river. My cave rests above that river's source.

I look at my map again just to be sure, because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen names similar to “little twin” near here… Ha! That bridge I just crossed over there is Big Twin Bridge, and just southeast of it is another called the Little Twin Bridge. Seeing as bridges cross over rivers, I just need to follow that one to its source and I’ll have my treasure. There’s still plenty to do here first, though.

WE ARE FRIENDS

I meet a gentleman named Hino, who is watching the sky. He’s also the first person I’ve talked to that ALSO seems concerned about all this “Blood Moon” business. He tells me about the current phase of the moon, and presumably will know whether or not a Blood Moon is coming. We’ll see how useful that is. That seems to be just about everyone heeeOHMYGOD DOG! THERE’S A DOG! I can’t interact with it directly, sadly, but he follows me around and stuff! I JUST WANT TO PET IT.

Can’t pet it. But I can feed it. And so I do. Probably a little too much but who cares DOG. I’ll just have to go hunting. I “play” with the dog a while longer, not exactly clear as to how I can interact with it, but things like feeding it and just staying close to it cause some kind of…affection chime to go off. And once I get enough of those, the dog stops following me, and gets me to follow it.

Where we goin pup?

BEST BOY

He leads me over towards Hino, then the large tree next to the stable. He’s digging at the ground? There’s a mossy green object in the ground he’s pawing at. Is that a chest? I switch to Magnesis and sure enough, that’s a fucking chest stuck in the ground. After I yank it out - rather violently - I open it for a Silver Rupee! Good dog! Can I take you with me?

Ooooo I need to remember to use Wolf Link, free puppers. Will play with any and every dog I come across now. There’s a few random animals and item pick-ups, but that seems to be it for the stable. Until I look up, that is. I see another pinwheel, on the nose of the "horse" above the stable. After some particularly careful climbing, I carefully walk down the nose of the head towards the pinwheel, and a...cloud(?) of leaves. When I get close enough, I can interact with it, and out pops another Korok!

Now, let’s go check out that shrine!

I walk close enough to see the name - Ha Dahamar Shrine – display on the screen, but I also see that it’s surrounded by these…spikes? Spikes that hurt when I touch them, and aren’t affected by my Remote Bombs, or any other runes. The fuck am I supposed to get in there? Bombs don’t work, and the other runes don’t seem interact with them either. I guess the only thing to do is go over them.

Big Twin Bridge

I almost made a huge mistake.

Because I took my cliffside stroll, I skipped crossing over this bridge the first time. On the other side I see a large lookout post that’s calling my name, so I float back across the river to take a look. It’s tall, but at least it has a clearly visible ladder unlike some of my other climbing attempts. And on top there is...a Rusty Broadsword. Thanks. -_-

Without anything else to do up here, I say my prayers to Hylia and jump, aiming for the shrine as I float across the river, just making it over the spikes safely.

Wait, how am I supposed to get out of here?

---

Heart Containers: 4
Shrines Completed: 6
Koroks Found: 15
Rupees: I have a literal stack of ruby’s
Rocks: Exploded
Stable: Discovered
Twins: Everywhere