No, I'm Not Screaming Into the Void, I Always Make This Noise When I Have to Use Motion Controls - Screenshot Roundup 62

A Good Lumberjack Knows When to Improvise - Screenshot Roundup 61

Who the Fuck Taught the Sheikah about Marble Labyrinths?

Homeownership! Alright, so the first thing to gather on the list is 30 bundles of Wood. I’ve got a few on me that I’ve picked up since starting the game, but I’m going to need to go out and gather the rest. Lucky for me, we happen to be right next to a forest, and I have a big-ass axe on me. I float from the cliff overlooking Ginner Woods and head in.

Ginner Woods

I don’t wander too far, remembering the trouble that Nat and Meghyn found themselves in. I haven’t chopped a tree down since the plateau, but I remember the basics: swing axe at tree. I figure out quickly that it only works on trees under a certain size - the bigger ones I can’t even make a dent in.

Is this more or less masc then using an axe?

I get about halfway to my goal before my axe breaks. I could port back to the plateau or even the stable (I think) to pick up a replacement, but that seems kind of time consuming. So I use the next best thing: Remote Bombs! It takes one bomb to blow the tree off the stump, and another to turn the fallen log into bundles of wood. It’s a very explody gathering expedition. Eventually, I have my 30 bundles for Bolson. Next step: 3000 Rupees.

My recent trip to the armor shop has left me rather low on funding, so now I’m going to need to hunt for some gemstones. Lucky for me, right behind the soon-to-be-mine house is a mountain range! I actually can make out what looks like a few ore deposits when I scan from the bridge. Perfect. I find a path behind the house leading up, just around the pond.

I scan the sides of the path as I climb, I don’t wanna miss any potential caches. It’s actually fairly sparse, though I can confirm the existence of the deposits I saw from the ground. I also have some pretty nice views of my surroundings, Hateno Village and a good portion of East Necluda. As I am looking off into the horizon, I see something out of place below me.

*grumbles about Koroks*

Korok flower! I touch the first one, and it vanishes, moving further up the mountainside. It does this a few more times until I am actually climbing up the side of a particular peak. At the top, I finally see the flower turn white, and then I am one Korok Seed richer. I float back down to my original location on the path up the mountain on the paraglider.

Eventually I reach the ore deposits, and snag a few Rubies and Opals from within. Just enough to put me over the 3k mark I think! I take my earnings to East Wind, the general store, and swap them out for cash. With my down (and full) payment and the wood, I head back over to Bolson to see if we can’t get this started.

He accepts the wood, and then the money, and a short cutscene later and I have my home! Woohoo! There’s...there’s not a lot actually. I don’t even have a door. What exactly did you do with that wood, dude? Doors are important.

Farewell Hudson, I hardly knew ye.

...Hopefully there's a decent barber in Akkala.

After finishing construction, Hudson talks to me. Apparently Bolson is having him set up another branch of the constructions biz somewhere north, a region called Akkala. Never heard that particular name before but I’ll get there eventually. As he says his goodbyes, a new quest opens up. Guess I’ll definitely be seeing you again one way or another then, bub.

 From The Ground Up

From the quest details, it looks like I won’t be able to do anything with this one until I meet up with Hudson again in Akkala. I also notice that my original quest - Hylian Homeowner - isn’t completed either, merely updated. Talking to Bolson, who is still loitering on my lawn, he says he can do more for me. Time for some upgrades!

For 100 rupees each, Bolson can upgrade my house in a number of ways. There are displays for my weapons, bows, and shields, a bed to sleep in, lighting, a door (seems like that should be included but okay), trees, flowers...a lot of stuff. And I’m still broke.

I warp back to Dueling Peaks Stable and head into the mountain, sledgehammer in hand. I climb up the wall to the path where I first saw the ore deposits, and work my way down, breaking them open until I can’t find anymore. With that, I am just under the amount I need, and so I end up selling a few monster parts to Beetle to make up the difference. Then it’s back to Bolson.

That's gotta be a fire hazard.

It takes a while to get through all the dialog, but by the end of it I am 1400 rupees poorer, with a fully upgraded house. Once the last upgrade is purchased, the Hylian Homeowner quest is finally completed. I walk around the property, checking out my new trees and landscape. I even bring Fabio over to to check out the small stable,even though there’s no real point to it. It’s flavoring!

Inside, it is pretty nifty that I have a place to sleep for free now, even if I’d have to teleport back here to use it. The weapon displays are also pretty nifty. I store my Flameblade, Thunderblade, and Fire Rod here for the time being. They both seem like they might be on the rare side, for now at least. Plus, until I find Hestu and up my inventory slots, I don’t want to overload myself.

After puttering around my place for a bit, I figure it’s time to finish exploring the rest of the village. First up, the areas around my house! There isn’t much, other than my “property” it’s mostly just a small lake and stream between my house and the Horned Statue. It’s pretty nondescript. I catch a few fish, then examine the small stream. Just when I figured there was nothing more to find, I spot a lone rock on a small shore at the very end of the stream. My Korok hunting skills are getting better. Seed please!

That’s it for this area, I climb out of the water and back into the village. As I pass by the set of model homes, I suddenly remember that I haven’t actually finished the shrine here yet. No time like the present! I walk over to the already activated shrine and enter.

Myahm Agana Apparatus

      ~Myahm Agana Shrine~

Nope. Nopenopenopenopenope.

Oh goody, another apparatus. After walking in and looking around the place, it looks like another gyroscope trial. It’s different than the last one, this puzzle is like one of the marble mazes. I have to guide the ball through a maze by tilting the controller, which in turn tilts the maze.

I quickly learn about the maze’s hazards. Mostly it’s just open spots along the edge, which allow the ball to roll off the side, forcing me to start over as a new ball is dropped from above. It is more than a little frustrating, and I lose the ball many times. Eventually I make it all the way through...only to lose the ball at the very end. There is a gap between the maze and the path to the goal, and it looks like I have to 'jump’ the ball over it to reach it. Great.

I try a couple of more times the “legit” way before saying fuck it - in all the excitement and news surrounding the games release, I actually did learn about one shrine trick in particular that got a lot of attention. I even remembered reading an interview with one of the developers in which he mentioned that he did the same thing - I flip the entire maze over.

Fuck everything about this.

That causes the next ball to fall onto a flat surface, skipping the maze portion entirely. It just takes me a few times to flip the ball over the gap, and then it rolls down the ramp and into the slot, opening the gate to the monk. But I’m not done yet - there’s a chest in the maze that needs to be opened. I reset the maze, at least attempting to make the gap that must be crossed as small as possible, before heading up the ramp the ball rolled down.

It’s a decent sized gap, but with the glider I make it without problems. I navigate around a few turns of the floating maze before I get to the chest. Opening it gets me a nice sniper-like Phrenic Bow. I like the zoom on these...maybe I should considering storing a couple in my house. They would help with those annoying Korok puzzles.

I leap back across the gap and down the ramp, entering the room with Myahm Agana. He grants me an additional Spirit Orb, and I exit the shrine.

That just leaves...every other part of town except the shops to explore.

...Time for another beer.

---

Heart Containers: 5
Shrines Completed: 11
Koroks Found: 34
Explosive Logging Technique: Tested
Door for House: Purchased
Motion Control Puzzles: Still Bullshit

Model Homes & the Most Fabulous Carpenter You've Ever Met - Screenshot Roundup 60

New Clothes, New Friends, New Food - Screenshot Roundup 59

Cooking & Homeownership: A Lesson in Hylian Home Economics

I enter Ventest Clothing and it’s exactly what it should be on the inside - a clothing store. I see a another full set of Hylian Armor, also on sale here. There’s also a Warm Doublet - useful for anyone who didn’t figure out the riddle on the Great Plateau. However, I already own all of those. Why I don’t own is this set of Soldier’s Armor in the back. Each piece has a pretty decent defense rating - and I’m betting taking it to Cotera will make it even higher.

I have just enough money to buy the whole set - gonna need to do some mining soon - but I don’t see a shop attendant anywhere. I mean it’s not like you have to take the clothes up to the register but still, seems weird.

We all do things to help us feel more confident. Stand in
corners, put on plate armor...

AH! There’s a person in here! Oh. It’s Sophie, Seldon’s daughter. She’s a quiet thing hiding in a corner of the shop. Totally missed her on my way in. I go ahead and buy the full set and try it on. Looks soldier-y. I’m not used to Link wearing a full set of armor like that. It’s also very loud, so the opposite of the Sheikah set. When I finish shopping I head to the front of the store and speak with Sophie.

I ask her about why she’s hiding in the corner over here. She says it makes her feel more confident. She also acknowledges that it’s weird. I bet having Seldon for a dad does that to you. Probably sucked out all her social energy for his tour guide hobby. Tsk.

I exit the shop and head across the street to East Wind, the general store. I say hi to Ivee again as I head in, where I meet her little brother Azu and her father Pruce, the proprietor of the shop. Azu runs outside to play with the other children while I wander into the store. It’s similar to the general store in Kakariko, having various ingredients for sale. And no gross Bokoblin Guts this time. It also doubles as the arrow shop - I’m guessing this peaceful town doesn’t have much use for one.

Fresh out of 'blin bits. Damn.

Exploring more of the shop, I see next to the door and the stairs a poster. It appears to be a recipe. The finished dish is at the top (Mushroom Rice Balls) and the ingredients along the bottom (Rock Salt, a Hylian Shroom, and some Hylian Rice). That’s pretty cool. More recipes!

I head upstairs to the second floors, which is where the Pruce and his family’s sleeping quarters are. I see a three beds, presumably for him and his two children, and on the bedside table next to one of them is a diary. Nope, wait, not a diary - it’s Ivee’s Recipe Book. Inside, she details how to make three different dishes.

First is Mushroom Risotto, which calls for one bundle of Hylian Rice, one serving of Goat Butter, a few Hylian Shrooms, and a little Rock Salt. She also notes that if you replace the mushrooms with a Hearty Salmon you can make a fish-lover’s dish. Her second recipe is for Poultry Pilaf. A few Raw Bird Drumsticks, then a few more (that what she wrote, I’m just transcribing here people), a little Goat Butter, a “suitable amount” of Hylian Rice, and a few Bird Eggs. Since you are limited to 5 ingredients, I’m guessing you want to just pick one of each instead of the drumsticks. The last recipe is for Egg Pudding. Take a few Bird Eggs, a few bottles of Fresh Milk, and several servings of Cane Sugar, mix them together, and voila! Pudding.

Neither of you is very good at keeping a secret.

I leave the store, silently thanking Ivee for the food tips. She doesn’t need to know about my snooping. A small ways away from the shop I can see two women conversing. Nikki and Amira are standing next to a booth, carrying what looks laundry, and gossiping. When I attempt to speak with them, I am summarily rebuffed and chastised for ‘eavesdropping.’ Listen bitch, if I wanted to eavesdrop, I would. I literally walked up to you to say hi.

...Goddamnit, now I want to know what they were saying. Luckily I don’t have to try very hard - these women are not very bright. I move to the other side of the booth, where they can’t see me, and listen. Hmm, they’re discussing some young girl who lives in the Hateno Ancient Tech Lab. Hey, that’s where I am heading! They make it sound kinda creepy though, like the girl shouldn’t be there. Guess I’ll find out more later.

Up next I see a pair of children running around and playing, Nebb and Narah. I believe they are Nikki’s children. I can see a resemblance at least, and they all have names that start with N. Nebb actually has a quest for me when I speak to him. This kid is apparently really into weapons and fighting - he wants to know how strong I am. Then he asks if I can “help a kid’s dream come true.” Uh. Is Chris Hansen about to pop out of one of these houses?

 The Weapon Connoisseur

OH! Okay, so his grandfather loved weaponry, but before he passed away there were still a number of them he never got to see. So, Nebb would like me to find the weapons he requests and show them to him, so that when he meets his grandpa again one day he can tell him about them. Aww. That’s sweet. And super creepy. The first weapon he wants is a Traveler’s Sword. Damn, I know I had one before but it has long since been broken. I’ll just have to find another one and bring it back, kid.

I see a bulletin board in the middle of town, but the only thing I read on it is a request to get rid of some monsters down near Hateno Beach. Another quest in town perhaps? Before I continue deeper into town though, I want to finish exploring up by the entrance. The pat Teebo took me on led to some houses and I think I saw a bridge?

This village feels very...domestic.

Wow. There are all model houses, built by Bolson Construction. That’s very modern. I go ahead and enter all three homes. They’re nice, or nice enough for a video game at least. They mostly seem to just b large bedrooms, no kitchens or toilets to speak of. They are all configured a little differently, but maintain the same cube-like shape. One of them even has a balcony.

Just east of the model homes I can see the town’s shrine. I’m assuming every town has one, because most of the inhabited locations I’ve visited seems to have a nearby shrine that acts has a fast travel point for that location. I activate the travel pad on the Myahm Agana Shrine, but I don’t descend just yet. First, I’m gonna see what’s over that bridge.

Another house! Much larger than the model homes, and no cube shapes to speak of. It’s rather run down though, and there even appears to be a man taking a sledgehammer to it. Karson is his name, and he appears to be around Link’s age. Well, minus the 100 years he was asleep at least. He works for Bolson Construction, and they have been tasked with tearing this house down.

I see another Bolson employee, Hudson, doing the same thing to another part of the house. Hudson is an older man, maybe early 40’s, with a very unfortunate haircut. For lack of a better description, it looks like a dick. He doesn’t seem to have much to say, he keeps his sentences straight and to the point. He is an old pro at the construction game, while Karson is still a rookie.

Yaaaaaaaaaaas carpenter daddy.

Then behind the house I meet the man himself - Bolson! He’s fabulous. And I mean that in every sense of the term. He’s wearing pink harem pants, and open jacket with a tiger-stripe collar, and a pink headband. Just talking to him, I can tell this dude is gay. Or at least it’s implied. On the one hand, stereotypes are bad and I hate when LGBT people like myself are subjected to them. On the other he is fucking amazing. I think there is this inherent belief that feminine = bad when it comes to men. Even gay men are obsessed with masculinity. So I am all for a super gay over the top carpenter in this high fantasy setting.

He tells me that they are demolishing this house because it’s been abandoned for 100 years. The previous owner, a knight, went off to fight Ganon when the Calamity struck, and never returned. Hmm, a knight who left to fight Ganon and has been missing for 100 years? Possibly the same soldier that defended Fort Hateno? How interesting. *cough* Anyways, since the building has sat abandoned for a century, the village decided to have it torn down.

I think I see where this is going. Continuing to talk Bolton, I now have an option to say I will buy the house. I mean I don’t have the money right now, but lemme borrow those sledgehammers for a few hours and we’ll be good to go guys. Oooooh shit, maybe not; Bolson says the cost is 50000 rupees. Might need more than just a few hours. And a lot of ore deposits.

So, is this like...the local cruising spot? Anyone got Grindr?

I tell him I don’t have that much, and he sympathizes with me. He will drop the price to 3000 rupees, if I also collect 30 Wood Bundles for him to us in the construction. I’m not sure how 30 bundles of wood is equal to 47000 rupees, but I’m not about to tell this man how to run his business. I agree to his terms, and he tells Karson and Hudson to stop their work immediately. I’m digging the dramatics.

After putting their hammers down, all three of the group congregate to the tree in front of the house with a cooking pot. Do you guys...not have anything else to do?

Aside from loitering on my future lawn, that is.

---

Heart Containers: 5
Shrines Completed: 10
Koroks Found: 33
New Armor: Loud
New Recipes: Delicious
New Home: Probably isn't up to code

A Horny Statue & A Winded Tour Guide - Screenshot Roundup 58

Spelunking for Diamonds & Truffle Hunting Sisters - Screenshot Roundup 57

Mo' Villages, Mo' Problems

Marblod Plain

After I finish my Korok diving, I am back on the path to Hateno. Before I follow it down into the valley though, there’s a small forest I want to check out first near the tunnel to Oakle’s Navel. I find a few keese I take out easily enough, and manage to sneak up on a moblin as he’s eating, knocking him out with a single well placed spear strike. Then in the back of the forest, I find a cave. I see a few sleeping Ice Keese, some Luminous Stone Deposits, and a treasure chest floating in a pool in the center. I take the ice keese out with my arrows before they have a chance to wake up, and switch to my cryonis rune for the chest. It’s a Purple Rupee! I was going to say that at least it’s not an Amber, but I think those are actually worth more.

That leaves the luminous stone deposits. I can get to one of them just fine, but another is on the side of the cave wall over the pool. Even if it were lower, I can’t use my sledgehammer in the water. I think about using bomb arrows, but I remember how the stones would go flying when I used remote bombs before I figured out the sledgehammer. Maybe if I make a Cryonis pillar close enough to the wall...Perfect. Link is smart enough to know I want him to strike the ore deposit and all that’s left is for me to collect.

I'm riiiiiiich bitch

There’s one more ore deposit in here, but it’s bigger than the others, and seems to have gold fleck and a golden glow about it. It is nearly on the cave’s ceiling, but with a little positioning I am able to break that one open too. I find a Topaz inside, and a Diamond! I haven’t seen one of these before. Hopefully I’ll see a lot more in the near future. I exit the small cave after picking up the Ice Keese Wings left over from before.

I walk around the rest of the small forest gathering ingredients before I get on my way again. Hylian Shrooms, Ironshrooms, even a couple of Hearty Radishes line the forest floor. Must have been some of what that moblin was snacking on. I also find a bunch of Sunset Fireflies, useful for making stealth potions. The sheikah gear really makes collecting bugs easier, need to remember that. Then I find something new inside of a tree. Like, inside of a large hole in the tree. It looks like an acorn, so I’m betting it’s Korok related. Since this is a video game, I do what anyone would do: I destroy it. It only takes a single arrow for it to burst and the Korok to pop out and give me my seed.

Right next to the woods I can see a fork in the road. To my right, the path goes up into an unnamed forest and then across Firly Plateau. The sign doesn’t mention that though, it only indicates that this is the path to Loshlo Harbor. Another two places for me to visit...after I get to Hateno. I once again hop on Fabio and continue my journey down into the valley.

Just...follow me for now Fabio. *whistle*

Midla Woods

...goddamnit there’s more bokoblins down here. Only two though, and they are presently distracted by a boar they are hunting. I take them and the boar out with a few strikes with my spear. Yay, more Raw Meat!

I take a moment to run around the small forest and gather up some more ingredients. Apart from the usual fare, I find another acorn in a tree, so I shoot it down and collect another Korok Seed. Just as I’m about to hop back on Fabio, I see what looks like another bokoblin further in the woods. As I approach, I see him standing over someone’s body. Uhoh. I run up and take him out, before seeing a second hylian under attack as well, and I quickly snuff him out as well.

I help the two girls up once the area is secure. They are a pair of sisters, Meghyn and Nat, and they are here in the forest hunting down Hearty Truffles. I haven’t come across any of those yet, but I think I remember seeing them in a traveling merchant’s shop. Nat seems to be much more enthusiastic about their foraging then Meghyn. It would seem that they are doing it for the money rather than because they want to eat the truffles themselves. Although Meghyn seems like she doesn’t want to be doing it at all.

I say goodbye to the sisters and whistle for Fabio as I head back to the path. Hateno Village should be just up and around this mountain pass. I can see the entrance gate as I approach - it’s bigger and more rustic then Kakariko. I can also see a...farmer? Or a guard dressed like a farmer. Or a farmer acting as a guard. It’s probably the last one. As soon as he notices me, he drops into a defensive stance, holding out his pitchfork to ward me from getting too close.

Is he gonna stab me with that thing?

Hateno Village

His name is Thadd, and he seems very wary of strangers, though he puts down the pitchfork when he sees that I am hylian. I suppose when there’s an apocalypse and you’re one of the only towns still standing it’s better to be safe than sorry. After he apologizes, he points me towards the general store and inn in town and let’s me on my way.

Fabio trots his way through the gate as I examine what I can of the town from his back. It’s big, bigger then Kakariko I think. I can’t see everything from the entrance, but the map makes it look fairly spread out - I can see buildings dotting the map from here to the mountain range to the East. That probably means a lot more sidequests.

The second villager I meet is a young boy named Teebo. He says he found something and wants to show it to me. Okay, sure. I leave Fabio near the gate and follow Teebo as he leads me around a bend, up a hill, and then down a small crevice. There, on a small cliff overlooking a lake sits a dark horned statue. A statue that seemingly has a quest for me

 The Statue's Bargain

In my experience, in most Zelda games talking statues do mostly trivial things, like tell you the time, spread gossip, or, even in this game, provide you some benefit. Most statues also aren’t black or have horns. But what am I gonna do, NOT talk to it? Yep, it’s a demon, and now it is talking to me.

There is no name given other than Horned Statue. Once upon a time it received all sorts of visitors, and they dealt life-for-money bargains. Hylia didn’t like that, and so she trapped it here in this statue, where it sits largely ignored by the villagers. It is also covered in bird shit, apparently. Rather then try and turn over a new leaf, it’s just been sitting here, waiting for someone who could hear it to come along.

Lucky me.

Hey asshole, if I wanted my heart stolen I'd just stare at
Chris Evan's picture all night.

It tries to strike a bargain with me, but I decline. So instead, it just fucking steals one of my heart containers. The fuck! Also, HOW?! If you can just take hearts without asking why haven’t you been doing that left and right? Dick. I talk to it again, because I want my goddamned heart container back. The statue insists it is only trying to help me. It will buy either a Heart Container or Stamina Vessel from me for 100 rupees, and then for 120 rupees. It then gives me the option of having my heart returned to me or have it changed to stamina, no upcharge included this first time.

I request the heart back - I’m still too squishy. I suppose I can see the benefit to what Horny (that’s what I’m gonna call them) is offering, but I don’t know that I will take advantage all that much. Also, they’re still a dick for doing that without asking in the first place. I hope more birds shit all over you, dude. Once I have my heart back, the quest ends, and Teebo and I both leave. I’m not sure if Teebo saw or heard anything, or if Link just looked like a spaz who talks to statues.

Is he always like this, or am I just special?

I head back towards the town entrance, Fabio right where I left him. The next villager I meet is a rather cute chubby gentleman named Seldon. I find him just wandering about near the entrance, but upon talking to him, he tells me he has volunteered as the town tour guide for newcomers. As long as he doesn’t introduce me to any life stealing demons, cool.

And then he’s off! Like, jogging his way to the first destination. He’s a spritely dude. The first stop is the town’s general store, East Wind. Outside is Ivee, a young girl who also acts as the shops greeter. I’ll have to come back to see what they’re selling, because as soon as I talk to Seldon again he’s rushing off to stop #2. Next door is the Kochi Dye Shop, where I can apparently change the color of my clothing. The greeter, Senna, shouts as much to her husband inside when she think they’ve got a customer. I’ll be back to check it out. Maybe.

Stop #3 is over a river, deeper into town. I pass by several residents as I work to keep up with Seldon, but they aren’t going anywhere. Seldon stops in front of the town inn - The Great Ton Pu Inn. Leop is the greeter here, an elderly man who encourages me to rest here. No time for that though because Seldon has one last stop for me, back across the river near the entrance of the town.

“Thank you for using ‘Seldon’s Village Tours,’ I’m
going to go pass out now.”

It’s the town armor shop, Ventest Clothing, and it’s owned by Seldon himself, although his daughter is the one who actually runs the place. Poor Seldon is totally winded from the tour, but tells me to come by and hang out sometime. Also tells me to stock up before heading to the Kochi Dye Shop. Then he promptly leaves me to my own devices, needing a rest after all that running. With that, the tour is over and I am left to explore the rest of the town on my own.

Picking up some new armor might be a good place to start.

---

Heart Containers: 5 (Fuckin’ asshole statue)
Shrines Completed: 9
Koroks Found: 33
Hearty Truffles: Hunted
Statue: Horny (and a dick)
Seldon: Should probably look into doing more cardio

Bokoblin Fort Raid Redux & Diving Into Oakle's Navel - Screenshot Roundup 56