Ja Baij Shrine & The Bomb Trial - Screenshot Roundup 8

Skull Rock, The Eastern Abbey, & Laser Dodging - Screenshot Roundup 7

Giant Skulls and Deadly Lasers

Continuing my trek, the next thing I come across is…a giant skull. Par for the course for Zelda I suppose, but previous game’s “giant skull rock formations” seemed more…natural. Like, how the hell did this thing even get here? Was it carved out of a giant boulder? That is A LOT of detail for what is basically a shitty New York studio apartment. Do you think Ganon specifically ordered them to make that, or did they just got bored and do it themselves? These are the hard hitting questions, folks.

On the Next Property Brothers...

There’s more activity here then the last camp, and also no real vantage points to allow me to get closer. I can see there are more bokolbins inside, but I’m not sure how many. I think I can also make out an explosive barrel, but there’s no way I’d be able to hit it from here, not without being seen by the guy on the watchtower. I need to get to higher ground, and away from the guard. And since I can climb up just about anything now, I take a wide path around the skull to the back and climb it to the top. I’ve got a good vantage point on the watchtower guard, and I take him out with a well placed head shot. With him out of commission, I very slowly and very carefully slide down the front side of the skull. I can see in through the eye holes that there are three bokoblins, one of which is bluish-black, and another chest. There are also two lanterns over the explosive barrels, hanging only by a rope, which will make the rest of this plan even easier.

I position myself so I can aim at the rope while still hiding, and let the arrow fly. The rope snaps, the lantern falls, and the barrels explode, killing all but the darker colored bokoblin inside. I did get to watch him running around inside screaming while being on fire though. He runs out of the skull, and I jump down right behind him. It’s a pretty quick fight, the explosion knocked his weapon away and took a chunk out of most of his health, but he’s still more robust than anticipated. Killing him nets me more (and slightly different) monster parts, I guess because he was tougher.

I have no idea what any of these are for but the perfectionist in me will make sure I grab up each and every one. I get the chest-zoom/bell ding again, and open the chest to reveal…Fire Arrows! That seems a bit early. Probably hang onto these for a bit until I really need them. Kind of weird that they are their own item instead of just regular arrows with magic, but hopefully that also means I don’t have to be so stingy with them down the line.

With the camp cleared, I continue towards the shrine marker on my map. Seems to be just over the hill behind the skull, so I climb up to take a look. I’m overlooking the Eastern Abbey – a bunch of ruins, littered with more statues. I can see the shrine on the opposite end, and no monsters, so I guess I should get to it.

Beautiful, and eerie.
Something is definitely going to kill me in there.

Eastern Abbey

I start hearing this strange mechanical whirring. Whenever I hear some weird new noise in a video game, and I can’t see what’s going on, I tend to panic a little. I’m TERRIBLE at survival horror games because I am as jumpy as a fucking rabbit on speed. So I IMMEDIATELY start swinging my camera around left and right to figure out what the fuck is about to happen. Then I see it, though I’m not sure what “it” is. Its glowing dark purple and oh fuck it’s pointing a laser at me now. I make to run back and duck behind a wall, but I only have time to admire the Keese that have appeared as I watch my body slam into a wall as the laser hit it’s target.

Now if this blog were about what I did when I wasn’t playing, I’d write about how I put down my controller, went downstairs and got a beer, finished it and a grabbed a second one, and then came back upstairs to try this again. But since it’s not, I will instead describe the thing that tried to kill me (called it). It was one of those mechanical “statues” I saw around the temple. Obviously they aren’t actually statues, though none of the others came to life and tried to murder me.

When I get back in, I try to test the range on it, but it seems that as soon as it can see me, it’s aiming its laser at me. Hiding behind cover seems to work, but the shrine entrance is blocked by boulders, and I don’t think I could climb over it fast enough. Time to try something else. Going around should be easy enough right?

Death, incarnate.

Wrong.

There are two more of these whirring fuckers, on either end of the shrine. I tried to attack one and barely put a dent in it before I had to run out of the way. The laser attack they seem to be charging up for when they can see me? That shit HURTS. I think I still see some of my bits splattered on a wall. Climbing up the wall does nothing because it’s not like they can’t just look up. I’m going to have to find a way to get past them and to the shrine without them seeing me long enough to shoot me. Their range is FAR, pretty much just need line of site once they’ve woken up. I’m going to need cover to run and hide behind faster than they can charge their lasers.

It looks like the south of the abbey might be my best choice, there are enough walls and ledges that I should be able to find decent cover. I manage to run past it and jump down onto a sunken part of the plateau wall/cliff. Checking the map I see I’m just on the other side of the shrine. Perfect. I carefully climb up to the top of the wall, fingers crossed that the machine can’t see me, and I seem to be safe! I do a little dance before I run along the wall towards the shrine. As I get closer, I see on an outcropping to my right with something shiny on top. Another sword! I very carefully climb up to it, grab it, and then climb over the remaining wall to the shrine.

I bet the people playing on the Wii U haaaaaated this.

None of the machines can see me from behind the walls, though I can still hear their creepy whirring. Before I activate the shrine, another chest emblazoned with an EX catches my eye, up on the wall. The machines are definitely going to see me once I’m up there...but I can probably open the chest and drop back down fast enough. And I do! And I still have a mini panic attack. It’s a shirt. A shirt with the Switch logo on it. Wow, Nintendo. I walk up to the pedestal and active the Ja Baij shrine. Maybe a Spirit Orb will wash the taste of terrible product placement out of my mouth.

---

BOMBS! YOU GUYS, IT’S BOMBS!

I’m getting ahead of myself.

Bomb Trial

~Ja Baij Shrine~

SEE?! IT’S BOMBS!

*cough* I am lowered into the shrine, and am greeted once again by the voice of the monk residing here, Ja Baij. Another trial. I take stock of the room – pretty boring. I see a cracked wall down a ramp, and to the left of the ramp, another pedestal. I scurry over to the pedestal to get my new rune – Remote Bombs! Two kinds actually, the traditional round kind, and a square one that won’t roll down hills. No need to wait, I go down the ramp, set my new rune, and pull out a bomb, one of the square ones.

And then blow myself up because I hit the wrong button.

Honestly this pretty on-brand for me.

Not dead yet though! Ha!

Still blew up the wall, too. Queue Zelda “you solved it” jingle. Ta-da!

Beyond the wall is a rather squat hallway with two more cracked walls. Behind one of them is another chest, this one with another sword. I’m having to start dropping the weaker things I’m holding so I can upgrade. Blowing up the other wall takes me to a ladder out of the hallway and up towards a moving platform. It’s bridging the gap between the platform I am on and another set of cracked walls. I set a square bomb on the platform when it draws close, and then detonate it once it reaches the other wall. Cue jingle.

I hop on the platform and ride it across, and I see...a shit ton of giant moving pistons. The fuck?

After gawking for a second, I can see that it’s not nearly as confusing as it seems. First, I walk over to the pistons on the left. One of them is bouncing an orange ball back and forth across the room. I climb up and grab the ball. Not sure if it is meant to do anything (it isn’t). I ride the far left piston across the gap to a chest (a piece of amber), and then walk back over to where I entered.

Jai Baij

The piston on the right, it has some sort of tube attached, and it’s aimed towards a bunch of bombable blocks on the other side of the gap. Using my amazing problem solving skills, I drop a round bomb into the tube, which funnels the ball to the center of the piston, which shoots it across the gap, where I explode it and the blocks. There’s a perfectly good ladder I could use to get to the monk, but walking is for chumps. I climb onto the piston and let it fire me across like the bomb. I then trot on over to Ja Baij himself and get my second Spirit Orb. Woo!

I exit the now-blue shrine, one Spirit Orb and an infinite amount of bombs richer. Why, there’s even a bunch of boulders that can be bombed right in front of me. Why don’t I just take care of that now?

...

I forgot about the lasers you guys.

So many lasers.

In the end, I just say fuck it and book it out of the Eastern Abbey as fast as my Hylian legs can carry me until I can’t hear that damned cursed whirring anymore.

I need another a fucking beer.

---

Heart Containers: 3
Rupees: Still 0
Shrines Completed: 2
Pants Shat: Still miraculously 0
Beers Drank: Not enough

Exploring the Temple of Time & Blowing Up Some Bokoblins - Screenshot Roundup 6

Raiding a Bokoblin Camp & Exploring the Temple of Time - Screenshot Roundup 5

Temple Excavation

In a flash of blue, I’m back outside Oman Au Shrine. The sun had gone down while I was underground, the in game clock reading 3 a.m. Just as I make to walk off the shrine’s teleportation pad, skeletons (Stalkoblins) burst from the ground, scaring the ever loving shit out of me! After I stop having a panic attack, I unpause the game, take out a stick, and beat the shit out of the undead sons of bitches. Which isn’t that easy. I go through a tree branch before I see that I have to destroy the heads to stop them from reforming. Also, they seem to be allergic to water, as going into any resulted in their instant deaths. Make sense, not sure how a skeleton swims exactly.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

They leave behind more parts than usual. The horns and fangs explain their hydrocephalic heads - they’re undead bokoblins. They also leave behind Bokoblin Arms, which are still moving, and double as weapons. Not gonna look a gift skeleton horse in the mouth. For multiple reasons. The sun should be up soon, so I’m not too worried about anymore showing up. If this game is following the same Zelda rules, they won’t be active during the day. So, why not celebrate my victory over the undead by creating a few more of em?

Instead of taking the long way around, I climb up onto a nearby ledge - I keep forgetting I can do that now. Ahead of me is the bokoblin camp, to my right the reservoir of water, and to my left a certain and squishy death. I try to take a look down but can’t see much beyond the fog. Probably intentional. I use my vantage point to scout the camp. They seem to be too dumb to notice me from this distance. Or to look...up. Ever. I see a few wooden crate, a couple of watch towers, and about four bokoblins. Party.

What do you think they talk about? Probably eating
things and the latest in loincloth fashions.

I want to use stealth to my advantage, but I’m not feeling too confident about hitting all my targets with the bow from here. I let loose a few arrows towards the group sitting around a campfire, and miss pretty spectacularly – something to practice. I do manage, however, to land an arrow close enough to the bokoblins that they notice and inspect it. That’s kinda nifty. And also probably the best I’m gonna do as far as distractions go. I rush down, skeleton arm in hand, and just start wailing on them. I have to switch to a second arm after killing 2 because these things are fragile as fuck. All that’s left to deal with is the one bokoblin on the top of a watchtower, firing his own arrows while I slaughtered his compatriots. I could probably run up the ladder fast and finish him off, but nope, I’m gonna practice with my bow.

It takes me a few tries – and I notice I can pick up the arrows he’s been firing at me, and any of mine that missed, so ammo isn’t an issue yet – but I nail him with a headshot. Moving around while also aiming will take some getting used to but it felt easy enough, and this is one of the areas in which I actually prefer motion controls – I can aim much more precisely. After he explodes into monster bits, the fight music dramatically changes, the camera zooms in on what I can see now is a chest with a skull on it, which turns from purple to gold as a bell chimes. Chests like these require you to kill all the nearby enemies before opening. Sort of a mini-mini-sidequest. It contains another Traveler's Sword.

HI THERE HOPE YOU WEREN’T FRIGHTENED I WAS
JUST GOING TO MAKE ALL THE LOUD NOISES

I clean up the campsite, picking up a couple of clubs, bows, and arrows, as well as various monster bits. Fun distraction, but now back to the quest: more shrines. Looking at the map, the next closest one is to the southeast in the Eastern Abbey. Sidenote: really digging how on the map all these locations have names. A lot of little world building details. I head out, passing the tower and I see the buildings I passed earlier that I was tempted to check out...
Fuck it. This is a Zelda game. I’m gonna revel in the side shit so why avoid it - time to explore.

I run back up the ramp the voice led me down and head towards the buildings. As I approach, I see a bokoblin along a stone path. Yay, violence. I pull out one of the clubs I just picked up as I run up and start swinging. I’ve taken out a full camp of these guys already, I ain’t a-feared. After a few swings I knock him out, and take his stuff, like a good hero.

The path is split, but to the right there looks like there’s only a single building, so I go there first. There isn’t much, I see an old barrel in the corner and I swing a club at it. After a few hits, it breaks apart and gives me a couple Apples. Cool. I wander back down the stone path towards the rest of the ruins. There’s another bokoblin in the next house, and when I enter, a blue chu also spawns. I take out the chu first, then the ‘blin, and collect the spoils. At the far end of the ruined building is a chest, which when opened reveals...new pants (Hylian Trousers)! I remember to equip them this time immediately, the defense increase too valuable.

Protect ya butt!

I continue my explorations up the next ramp, when the area title flickers onto screen.

The Temple of Time

Ooooohhhh shit, that’s right, thought I remembered that from one of the trailers. From all the talk the Old Man gave me, I’m guessing this references the original Ocarina of Time temple. Or at least as close to an allusion as Nintendo will do to the timeline stuff. I continue my exploration with a bit more reverence...still slaughtering the occasional monster. As I climb I start seeing these strange octopus statues. I saw some of them earlier, around the reservoir near the bokoblin camp. When I get close enough, I see I can interact with them, gaining more ancient technology parts like the robot in the shrine dropped. I guess these are the big-ass versions of those. Except these are all….it looks like they were tearing apart the buildings. Like they were literally in the middle of destroying the temple. Is that where all the people went?

...Maybe it's really elaborate performance art?

I get to the top, near the temple proper. There’s a bokoblin at the entrance, but I ignore him for now, wanting to explore the outside of the building first. I like being thorough. There’s not much beyond more half destroyed walls and statues. I pilfer some more robot parts as I wander the side of the building, and I see something glowing inside. I scout the rest of the perimeter - nothing but more statues - and then climb in through a hole. To my left, the temple’s entrance and the bokoblin I mentioned earlier standing just outside of it, and to the right, a large glowing statue, that looks very similar to the statue from Skyward Sword, scaled down.

It talks. Which isn’t that surprising in a Zelda game. What is surprising is that the statute ALSO wants me to bring it 4 Spirit Orbs. Hot commodity it would seem. There isn’t much else to do here, was hoping for some deep revelation. Well, maybe later. I exit the way I came in, taking out the 'blin by the door on my way out. I make my way back down to the entrance of the ruins. Time to get back to shrine hunting.

Easily my favorite Rube Goldberg machine.

I head back down towards the tower, deciding to take the path I had originally decided on after noticing a broken bridge on the map between the temple and the abbey. As I round the bend, I notice a solitary structure with boulder sitting on top, placed precariously close to a ledge. Nearby, I also see two bokoblins sitting around a fire, precariously close to some bomb-barrels. As a man of science, it was my duty to push that rock and see what happened. Which was: Push, roll, smash, boom. I gather up all their parts as my inner 5 year old squealing with glee at the destruction I have wrought. I also steal their dinner. Seared Steak. Not sure where from, the biggest animal I’ve seen around here is a bird, but enh, it’s been a long day.

I could eat.

---

Heart Containers: Still 3
Rupees: Still 0
Shrines Completed: 1
Sacred Temples Sacked: 1
Pants Shat: 0 (for now)

Completing the Magnesis Trial & Collecting the First Spirit Orb - Screenshot Roundup 4