Alright, quick intro: My name is Jon, and I love the game The Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild. As I played through the game, I kept coming across so many weird, funny, and interesting things that I wanted to start recording my adventures. I’m not using any guides, I’ve avoided all spoilers, I’m not even letting my friends help me - I wanted to experience everything in the game with fresh eyes. So, let’s get started!
When the game first boots up, I thought I missed something. There's no intro or menu like the Zelda games I'm used to, it just launches right into the game. Then a Voice starts talking. It’s a little fucking weird to hear someone actually talking to you in a Zelda game. There’s a bright light, and then…there I am. Link. Mostly naked and in some kind of…you know, coffin sounds morbid, but I’m not sure what else you call a box for a body? The voice continues to call for me as the not-coffin gets drained of liquid, and I wake up.
This is certainly going to be an interesting game.
After a little exploration and button testing, I head over to the slightly glowing pedestal on the opposite end of the room. The voice begins to speak to me again, asking me to interact with the pedestal, which nets me a fancy new Sheikah Slate. Insert whatever iPad joke that has already been made a million times here. Using the slate, I exit this room into the next, where I come across my first set of chests. That didn’t take long. Inside is…some really old clothing. Maybe it used to be mine? Thanks, voice-lady, if you are the one who put my clothes away. We’re just going to skip past the bit where that also means you undressed me. You probably could have used a single chest.
I’m led to another pedestal to open another door, and a cutscene takes over. The voice begins talking again as the door opens. I’m fed the usual Zelda opening spiel – I’m the chosen one, only I can save Hyrule, etc. - but there’s something about hearing it voiced that gets my heart racing just a little more than usual. What gets my heart racing A LOT is what comes next. I make my way towards the exit, climbing over my first wall along the way. Simple enough, if not oddly placed. Guess they want to teach me about climbing. Game design! I run up the stairs towards the exit, and once again the game takes over, and just…
Wow. Like, holy crap. Look at that view. It’s gorgeous.
Also, whoops, forgot to put my clothes on.
And then suddenly I see a weird Old Man. Who is watching me. Welp, that got creepy fast.
Once the game puts me back in control, I check out the surrounding area briefly, finding things like Tree Branches I can use as weapons, and Hylian Shrooms I can eat to heal myself. The voice hasn’t said anything, not even a warning about my exposed nethers, so there isn’t much to do except head down to the old dude who was perving on me.
As I make my way down a path, she makes herself known again – girl, work on your timing damn. She shows me how I can use my slate as a map, though it's just a bunch of blue shapes and lines instead of an actually like, map. But there is at least a waypoint I can head towards, because I've also been given my first quest!
I’ll get on right on that… right after I go check out what’s up with that old man.
He’s up ahead along the path, and at least moderately helpful, if not judgmental over my clothing choices (or lack thereof). After scaring the shit out of me for picking up one of his apples, he gives me some background on Hyrule, and where we are – the Great Plateau.
After I grab his axe (that he said I could take, this isn’t Link’s Awakening), I make my way to where MomVoice was asking me to go. There’s an easy to follow path, and I pick up a few things on the way: some more tree branches, apples, and mushrooms. I even find out you can grab bugs if you can sneak close enough. There’s going to be a lot to do in this game. To my right I can see some large and crumbling buildings alongside a lake, and it looks like my path will take me by them on my way to the waypoint. I pass by some trees and the lake, and a goblin makes himself known. A Bokoblin, I mean. How do you pronounce that anyways? Boke-oblin? Boh-cob-lin? Boh-coh-blin? Tell me in the comments!
My first battle. I’d tell you all about the cool fight scene, but there wasn’t one. I hit it with a stick until it died. As is the American/Hyrulean way. He crumbled into black/purple dust, and left behind some…parts. A Bokoblin Horn and a Bokoblin Fang. Even more, less pleasant stuff to collect. Cool. I also decide to finally put on some pants as I probably don’t want to be so squishy anymore.
I start passing the old buildings on the right and can see a few more bokoblins wandering around inside. I hold off on exploring them for now, figuring the game probably has a couple more things it wants me to do before I can really dig into the good stuff. As I pass a broken and cracked fountain that looks more than a little familiar, I come across my second type of enemy – Chus! Just as blobby and annoying as I remember. These seem to be the “regular” variety, but I’m sure the game has plenty other things in store down the line. I kill them with one of my tree branches. Which breaks. That will take some getting used to.
At the bottom of a staircase, I can see where the voice was sending me, a cave in the side of a small rocky hill. That’s on brand. But between me and there is another bokoblin. There’s actually a few, but I think this is the only one that can really “see” me. And they are just as dumb and oblivious as I remember. It’s not a problem at all for me to slowly sneak around this guy and get close enough to take his ass out with one hit. And he dropped a sword! A Traveler's Sword. A REAL sword! That I can hit more things with! Lost another tree branch though, so I better save it.
Turning back towards the mini-mountain, I make my way into the cave. It’s not really a cave…more of an alcove I guess? It has another pedestal in it, like where I woke up, and once I’m close enough the voice asks me to once again use my slate to activate it. This time, the pedestal actually takes my slate from me. More electronic noises, a familiar eye symbol begins to glow – and then the rumbling starts.
Looks like the tiny mountain isn’t so tiny anymore. Or a mountain. In its place, a massive glowing tower has shot out of the ground, and I am apparently taking it for a ride into the sky. As I do, I’m treated to images of other similar towers sprouting out of the ground in other parts of the world. Whoops? Hope I didn’t break anything or kill anyone. Anyone not-evil at least.
The voice comes back once more. And this time, I can see where it’s coming from – Hyrule Castle. But the castle doesn’t just look old…it’s surrounded by the red and black miasma, and a large, roaring figure, circling it rapidly. Ganon. The voice fades, pleading with me to save Hyrule. It sounds so desperate. Of course I’m going to help.
But uh…how the hell do I get down from here? Hello? …voice?
Heart Containers: 3
Rupees: 0
Bokoblins killed: 2
Bugs: Yes
Mountains exploded: 1 (I think)
When the game first boots up, I thought I missed something. There's no intro or menu like the Zelda games I'm used to, it just launches right into the game. Then a Voice starts talking. It’s a little fucking weird to hear someone actually talking to you in a Zelda game. There’s a bright light, and then…there I am. Link. Mostly naked and in some kind of…you know, coffin sounds morbid, but I’m not sure what else you call a box for a body? The voice continues to call for me as the not-coffin gets drained of liquid, and I wake up.
 |
| I’m as lost as you are buddy. |
After a little exploration and button testing, I head over to the slightly glowing pedestal on the opposite end of the room. The voice begins to speak to me again, asking me to interact with the pedestal, which nets me a fancy new Sheikah Slate. Insert whatever iPad joke that has already been made a million times here. Using the slate, I exit this room into the next, where I come across my first set of chests. That didn’t take long. Inside is…some really old clothing. Maybe it used to be mine? Thanks, voice-lady, if you are the one who put my clothes away. We’re just going to skip past the bit where that also means you undressed me. You probably could have used a single chest.
I’m led to another pedestal to open another door, and a cutscene takes over. The voice begins talking again as the door opens. I’m fed the usual Zelda opening spiel – I’m the chosen one, only I can save Hyrule, etc. - but there’s something about hearing it voiced that gets my heart racing just a little more than usual. What gets my heart racing A LOT is what comes next. I make my way towards the exit, climbing over my first wall along the way. Simple enough, if not oddly placed. Guess they want to teach me about climbing. Game design! I run up the stairs towards the exit, and once again the game takes over, and just…
Wow. Like, holy crap. Look at that view. It’s gorgeous.
 |
| The fields, the mountains, the castle… It’s breath (of the wild) taking. ...I'll see myself out... |
Also, whoops, forgot to put my clothes on.
And then suddenly I see a weird Old Man. Who is watching me. Welp, that got creepy fast.
Once the game puts me back in control, I check out the surrounding area briefly, finding things like Tree Branches I can use as weapons, and Hylian Shrooms I can eat to heal myself. The voice hasn’t said anything, not even a warning about my exposed nethers, so there isn’t much to do except head down to the old dude who was perving on me.
As I make my way down a path, she makes herself known again – girl, work on your timing damn. She shows me how I can use my slate as a map, though it's just a bunch of blue shapes and lines instead of an actually like, map. But there is at least a waypoint I can head towards, because I've also been given my first quest!
Follow the Sheikah Slate
I’ll get on right on that… right after I go check out what’s up with that old man.He’s up ahead along the path, and at least moderately helpful, if not judgmental over my clothing choices (or lack thereof). After scaring the shit out of me for picking up one of his apples, he gives me some background on Hyrule, and where we are – the Great Plateau.
 |
| “The birthplace of Hyrule.” …okay, but which time buddy? |
My first battle. I’d tell you all about the cool fight scene, but there wasn’t one. I hit it with a stick until it died. As is the American/Hyrulean way. He crumbled into black/purple dust, and left behind some…parts. A Bokoblin Horn and a Bokoblin Fang. Even more, less pleasant stuff to collect. Cool. I also decide to finally put on some pants as I probably don’t want to be so squishy anymore.
 |
| MURIKA! |
At the bottom of a staircase, I can see where the voice was sending me, a cave in the side of a small rocky hill. That’s on brand. But between me and there is another bokoblin. There’s actually a few, but I think this is the only one that can really “see” me. And they are just as dumb and oblivious as I remember. It’s not a problem at all for me to slowly sneak around this guy and get close enough to take his ass out with one hit. And he dropped a sword! A Traveler's Sword. A REAL sword! That I can hit more things with! Lost another tree branch though, so I better save it.
 |
| …how did the tower get under there in the first place though… |
Looks like the tiny mountain isn’t so tiny anymore. Or a mountain. In its place, a massive glowing tower has shot out of the ground, and I am apparently taking it for a ride into the sky. As I do, I’m treated to images of other similar towers sprouting out of the ground in other parts of the world. Whoops? Hope I didn’t break anything or kill anyone. Anyone not-evil at least.
Great Plateau Tower
Back at the top of the tower, I am treated to some more ancient technological wonders. Symbols begin glowing and moving, drawn towards the bottom of a rock positioned above the slate. A bright blue drop of light and water drops onto the slate and…my map is filled in! For the Great Plateau at least. I wonder what the storage space on the light drops are. |
| Guess I’ll just...take a nap or something... |
But uh…how the hell do I get down from here? Hello? …voice?
Heart Containers: 3
Rupees: 0
Bokoblins killed: 2
Bugs: Yes
Mountains exploded: 1 (I think)
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