Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
Link is Very Squishy
How do you get down from those towers?
Very, very carefully, it turns out. I'm happy to report that the penalty for dying I this game is just to return you to your last autosave point (but seriously why hasn’t Zelda had autosaves before, think about how many times you’ve died in a Zelda game only to realize you haven’t saved in HOURS). The only way down from the tower is to jump down a series of platforms. And the spacing of these platforms is...iffy, at best. I know all of this information because shortly after enjoying my view from the top of the tower, I was enjoying my view of Link’s crushed body on the ground.
So, on attempt #2, I very slowly, very carefully, make my way down the tower in one piece, and am greeted by my Old Man friend, on a paraglider. That would have been very, very handy. I can’t help but feel as though he rode it down here on purpose, to mock me. Rude. Extremely rude.
…and now he’s taunting me with it. It’s the only way to get off the plateau, and he’ll give it to me, but only if I do something for him first. Fine. Let’s get the Zelda fetch quest train started! He points out a nearby structure to me. Well, first he walks realllllly slowly over to a hill, and then points it out to me. It’s a shrine, he says, and there is treasure inside. He wants that treasure. Sounds simple enough to me. And so, I’m off. The shrine is on the other side of a small lake. It’s man made so I’m not sure it’s supposed to be full of water exactly. To the right, a camp of bokoblins. To the left, no bokoblins. I’m not quite feeling up to raiding a camp just yet, so I’ll take the scenic route.
It’s a bit longer, but there is more to see. There’s a forest to west, and I see a few more 'koblins to avoid for right now. I also pass by a swamp, I guess, that will swallow you alive if you try to swim in it. So…don’t do that. There’s some clearer, safe to swim in water on the right and around the shrine as well. There’s a chest here too! It looks like it’s one of the DLC chests (which I bought that the day this came out, of course), and it is filled with a Ruby. I think there's another chest in the water too, but I can’t seem to get it out yet. Come back to that later. I step up to the pedestal (I’m sensing a pattern) to activate the temple, which goes from glowing all red, to glowing blue and red. The doors open, I step inside, and a platform activates to take me down.
First off, this Oman Au dude has apparently been waiting for me. Or for someone. I can dig it.
Look around, first thing I see is a big gate. Obviously, I want to get on the other side of it. There are also two slabs on the ground that seem to be made of metal, and another pedestal in the corner. So, after looking around for a second, I make a beeline for the pedestal. After the usual glow-glyph-splash routine, I get my first Rune! As the name of the Trial would imply, it’s magnetic. Well Magnesis, technically. I flip it on as per the instructions, and everything goes red. Except for those two metal slabs, those are bright yellow.
So, using my detective skills, I point my magnesis rune at the BRIGHT YELLOW OBJECTS and turn it on.
And hey, now I can move it around. I screw around a little, swinging it about wildly and banging it into things just for the heck of it. Once I’m done, I grab the other slab and fling it to the side. Looking down in the hole, there’s a pathway, and some water. I drop onto the pathway and follow it underground, eventually putting me on the other side of the gate. First shrine puzzle down! On the other side, I climb up a set of stairs and am met with a wall made of stone cubes. Well, mostly. One of the cubes is the same shiny black as the slabs, and turning on my rune confirms that it is metal and magnetic. I grab a hold of it and pull it towards me, dropping the stone block it was under down a level, allowing me to drop this one and climb up them to scale the wall.
I drop onto the other side of the wall, and the game’s music changes. And I can see why – there is a robot here (A Guardian Scout). Aaaaaaand it’s shooting lasers at me. Fuck it, time to put that sword to good use. I rush in, doing my best to avoid another laser blast, and just start wailing on it. It doesn’t take long before it explodes in a cloud of sparks and smoke. It leaves behind some ancient screws and other machine parts. Mooooore stuff! It doesn’t look like I have an inventory limit, at least not for the collectable stuff I’m finding.
I look at the rest of the room. I’m on a slightly raised platform, surrounded by fairly shallow water. There’s another two platforms in front of me, the first 2 connected by another large metal slab. I cross it without issue, and pretty easily figure out what to do next. Once on the middle platform, I grab the metal slab with my Magnesis, and then move it from between platforms 1 & 2 to 2 & 3. Once the slab is down, I cross the last gap without any issues.
At the other end of the final platform are two more large metal slabs, though these seem to be acting as a door. I can see a tract on the floor where the doors apparently would swing open. But, before I do that, I take notice of a floating platform just to the left of the doors, with what appears to be a chest on it. I say appears because it’s kind of a weird looking chest. No way to get up to it though. I turn around and turn on my rune to grab the slab I used as a bridge, but I’m pretty sure it’s not long enough…
It ends up not mattering, because as I turn the rune on, I can see the chest change into bright red – its metal! So, I use Magnesis to grab and open it, and get a Traveler's Bow. I didn’t even have to wait four or five dungeons to get one out of a big chest. I pocket it, and then move back to the metal doors. I grab one and swing it open, opening the way to a staircase, and a glowing blue cage that seems to have someone sitting inside of it.
The box has another glowing eye symbol, and as I approach it, I’m given the option to interact with it. Link reaches out and tentatively gives the symbol a touch, causing it to glow brightly, with the whole cage following shortly, before shattering into fragments of blue light. The seated figure, an emaciated monk, is Oman Au, the voice speaking to me earlier. He explains my purpose, and then gives me a Spirit Orb – the treasure that the Old Man wanted. After talking to me some more, Oman Au’s body disintegrates into green light, and I am transported out of the shrine.
Well that was…interesting. Before I have a chance to digest, the Old Man comes flying in, taunting me with that glider again. He’s happy I got him the treasure, but now he says he wants three more. Okay #1: how dare you? #2 What the hell dude? That wasn't the deal. Not cool. There are three more shrines on the plateau I have to visit and collect spirit orbs from, and THEN he will give me the glider so I can get off the plateau. Fucking moving goalpost bullshit. It’s not all useless though, he shows me how to use my map to fast travel, and wants me to use it to get back to the top of the tower that killed me. Buh. Fine.
It’s actually pretty cool looking. Link starts to glow blue and float, before being transformed into blue tendrils of light. Then it cuts to the tower, specifically a blue circle on the ground that started glowing after I activated the tower. There’s another one at the shrine I just finished, so I’m guessing those are how the game marks fast travel spots. Cool. Also…he’s here. How the fuck did he get up here so fast? Or at least, what is the games explanation for that, because…bullshit.
He shows me how to look in first person (which is pretty meta) and has me scout out the locations of the other shrines on the plateau. I spot the three of them, and then a fourth that looks like it’s WAAAAAAAY of the plateau. I am able to set markers on far away objects, multicolored and glowing into the sky. They only show up in first person view, and on my map. So much non-Zelda stuff in a Zelda game, but so far all of it – the styling, the names, the utility – feels right at home.
I guess it’s time to get started? I start to climb back down the tower, very, very carefully.
Then I remembered the thing I was just taught, and fast travel back to the completed shrine.
Dummy.
Heart Containers: 3
Rupees: 0
Shrines Completed: 1
Old Men Disintegrated: One too many
Old Men Taunting Me with Cool Stuff: Also one too many.
Very, very carefully, it turns out. I'm happy to report that the penalty for dying I this game is just to return you to your last autosave point (but seriously why hasn’t Zelda had autosaves before, think about how many times you’ve died in a Zelda game only to realize you haven’t saved in HOURS). The only way down from the tower is to jump down a series of platforms. And the spacing of these platforms is...iffy, at best. I know all of this information because shortly after enjoying my view from the top of the tower, I was enjoying my view of Link’s crushed body on the ground.
 |
| Well, this is embarrassing. |
The Isolated Plateau
…and now he’s taunting me with it. It’s the only way to get off the plateau, and he’ll give it to me, but only if I do something for him first. Fine. Let’s get the Zelda fetch quest train started! He points out a nearby structure to me. Well, first he walks realllllly slowly over to a hill, and then points it out to me. It’s a shrine, he says, and there is treasure inside. He wants that treasure. Sounds simple enough to me. And so, I’m off. The shrine is on the other side of a small lake. It’s man made so I’m not sure it’s supposed to be full of water exactly. To the right, a camp of bokoblins. To the left, no bokoblins. I’m not quite feeling up to raiding a camp just yet, so I’ll take the scenic route. |
| I have one sword. Pass. |
Oman Au Shrine
~Magnesis Trial~
My first shrine & trial! Let’s get started.First off, this Oman Au dude has apparently been waiting for me. Or for someone. I can dig it.
Look around, first thing I see is a big gate. Obviously, I want to get on the other side of it. There are also two slabs on the ground that seem to be made of metal, and another pedestal in the corner. So, after looking around for a second, I make a beeline for the pedestal. After the usual glow-glyph-splash routine, I get my first Rune! As the name of the Trial would imply, it’s magnetic. Well Magnesis, technically. I flip it on as per the instructions, and everything goes red. Except for those two metal slabs, those are bright yellow.
 |
| I wonder what I can use this on. Any hints? |
And hey, now I can move it around. I screw around a little, swinging it about wildly and banging it into things just for the heck of it. Once I’m done, I grab the other slab and fling it to the side. Looking down in the hole, there’s a pathway, and some water. I drop onto the pathway and follow it underground, eventually putting me on the other side of the gate. First shrine puzzle down! On the other side, I climb up a set of stairs and am met with a wall made of stone cubes. Well, mostly. One of the cubes is the same shiny black as the slabs, and turning on my rune confirms that it is metal and magnetic. I grab a hold of it and pull it towards me, dropping the stone block it was under down a level, allowing me to drop this one and climb up them to scale the wall.
 |
| Kinda cute. Except for the lasers. Okay, even the lasers. |
I look at the rest of the room. I’m on a slightly raised platform, surrounded by fairly shallow water. There’s another two platforms in front of me, the first 2 connected by another large metal slab. I cross it without issue, and pretty easily figure out what to do next. Once on the middle platform, I grab the metal slab with my Magnesis, and then move it from between platforms 1 & 2 to 2 & 3. Once the slab is down, I cross the last gap without any issues.
At the other end of the final platform are two more large metal slabs, though these seem to be acting as a door. I can see a tract on the floor where the doors apparently would swing open. But, before I do that, I take notice of a floating platform just to the left of the doors, with what appears to be a chest on it. I say appears because it’s kind of a weird looking chest. No way to get up to it though. I turn around and turn on my rune to grab the slab I used as a bridge, but I’m pretty sure it’s not long enough…
 |
| This feels like cheating. |
The box has another glowing eye symbol, and as I approach it, I’m given the option to interact with it. Link reaches out and tentatively gives the symbol a touch, causing it to glow brightly, with the whole cage following shortly, before shattering into fragments of blue light. The seated figure, an emaciated monk, is Oman Au, the voice speaking to me earlier. He explains my purpose, and then gives me a Spirit Orb – the treasure that the Old Man wanted. After talking to me some more, Oman Au’s body disintegrates into green light, and I am transported out of the shrine.
 |
| Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage: Oman Au |
It’s actually pretty cool looking. Link starts to glow blue and float, before being transformed into blue tendrils of light. Then it cuts to the tower, specifically a blue circle on the ground that started glowing after I activated the tower. There’s another one at the shrine I just finished, so I’m guessing those are how the game marks fast travel spots. Cool. Also…he’s here. How the fuck did he get up here so fast? Or at least, what is the games explanation for that, because…bullshit.
 |
| ...bullshit... |
I guess it’s time to get started? I start to climb back down the tower, very, very carefully.
Then I remembered the thing I was just taught, and fast travel back to the completed shrine.
Dummy.
Heart Containers: 3
Rupees: 0
Shrines Completed: 1
Old Men Disintegrated: One too many
Old Men Taunting Me with Cool Stuff: Also one too many.
Friday, August 25, 2017
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Monday, August 21, 2017
A Hero Awakens. Without Pants.
Alright, quick intro: My name is Jon, and I love the game The Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild. As I played through the game, I kept coming across so many weird, funny, and interesting things that I wanted to start recording my adventures. I’m not using any guides, I’ve avoided all spoilers, I’m not even letting my friends help me - I wanted to experience everything in the game with fresh eyes. So, let’s get started!
When the game first boots up, I thought I missed something. There's no intro or menu like the Zelda games I'm used to, it just launches right into the game. Then a Voice starts talking. It’s a little fucking weird to hear someone actually talking to you in a Zelda game. There’s a bright light, and then…there I am. Link. Mostly naked and in some kind of…you know, coffin sounds morbid, but I’m not sure what else you call a box for a body? The voice continues to call for me as the not-coffin gets drained of liquid, and I wake up.
This is certainly going to be an interesting game.
After a little exploration and button testing, I head over to the slightly glowing pedestal on the opposite end of the room. The voice begins to speak to me again, asking me to interact with the pedestal, which nets me a fancy new Sheikah Slate. Insert whatever iPad joke that has already been made a million times here. Using the slate, I exit this room into the next, where I come across my first set of chests. That didn’t take long. Inside is…some really old clothing. Maybe it used to be mine? Thanks, voice-lady, if you are the one who put my clothes away. We’re just going to skip past the bit where that also means you undressed me. You probably could have used a single chest.
I’m led to another pedestal to open another door, and a cutscene takes over. The voice begins talking again as the door opens. I’m fed the usual Zelda opening spiel – I’m the chosen one, only I can save Hyrule, etc. - but there’s something about hearing it voiced that gets my heart racing just a little more than usual. What gets my heart racing A LOT is what comes next. I make my way towards the exit, climbing over my first wall along the way. Simple enough, if not oddly placed. Guess they want to teach me about climbing. Game design! I run up the stairs towards the exit, and once again the game takes over, and just…
Wow. Like, holy crap. Look at that view. It’s gorgeous.
Also, whoops, forgot to put my clothes on.
And then suddenly I see a weird Old Man. Who is watching me. Welp, that got creepy fast.
Once the game puts me back in control, I check out the surrounding area briefly, finding things like Tree Branches I can use as weapons, and Hylian Shrooms I can eat to heal myself. The voice hasn’t said anything, not even a warning about my exposed nethers, so there isn’t much to do except head down to the old dude who was perving on me.
As I make my way down a path, she makes herself known again – girl, work on your timing damn. She shows me how I can use my slate as a map, though it's just a bunch of blue shapes and lines instead of an actually like, map. But there is at least a waypoint I can head towards, because I've also been given my first quest!
I’ll get on right on that… right after I go check out what’s up with that old man.
He’s up ahead along the path, and at least moderately helpful, if not judgmental over my clothing choices (or lack thereof). After scaring the shit out of me for picking up one of his apples, he gives me some background on Hyrule, and where we are – the Great Plateau.
After I grab his axe (that he said I could take, this isn’t Link’s Awakening), I make my way to where MomVoice was asking me to go. There’s an easy to follow path, and I pick up a few things on the way: some more tree branches, apples, and mushrooms. I even find out you can grab bugs if you can sneak close enough. There’s going to be a lot to do in this game. To my right I can see some large and crumbling buildings alongside a lake, and it looks like my path will take me by them on my way to the waypoint. I pass by some trees and the lake, and a goblin makes himself known. A Bokoblin, I mean. How do you pronounce that anyways? Boke-oblin? Boh-cob-lin? Boh-coh-blin? Tell me in the comments!
My first battle. I’d tell you all about the cool fight scene, but there wasn’t one. I hit it with a stick until it died. As is the American/Hyrulean way. He crumbled into black/purple dust, and left behind some…parts. A Bokoblin Horn and a Bokoblin Fang. Even more, less pleasant stuff to collect. Cool. I also decide to finally put on some pants as I probably don’t want to be so squishy anymore.
I start passing the old buildings on the right and can see a few more bokoblins wandering around inside. I hold off on exploring them for now, figuring the game probably has a couple more things it wants me to do before I can really dig into the good stuff. As I pass a broken and cracked fountain that looks more than a little familiar, I come across my second type of enemy – Chus! Just as blobby and annoying as I remember. These seem to be the “regular” variety, but I’m sure the game has plenty other things in store down the line. I kill them with one of my tree branches. Which breaks. That will take some getting used to.
At the bottom of a staircase, I can see where the voice was sending me, a cave in the side of a small rocky hill. That’s on brand. But between me and there is another bokoblin. There’s actually a few, but I think this is the only one that can really “see” me. And they are just as dumb and oblivious as I remember. It’s not a problem at all for me to slowly sneak around this guy and get close enough to take his ass out with one hit. And he dropped a sword! A Traveler's Sword. A REAL sword! That I can hit more things with! Lost another tree branch though, so I better save it.
Turning back towards the mini-mountain, I make my way into the cave. It’s not really a cave…more of an alcove I guess? It has another pedestal in it, like where I woke up, and once I’m close enough the voice asks me to once again use my slate to activate it. This time, the pedestal actually takes my slate from me. More electronic noises, a familiar eye symbol begins to glow – and then the rumbling starts.
Looks like the tiny mountain isn’t so tiny anymore. Or a mountain. In its place, a massive glowing tower has shot out of the ground, and I am apparently taking it for a ride into the sky. As I do, I’m treated to images of other similar towers sprouting out of the ground in other parts of the world. Whoops? Hope I didn’t break anything or kill anyone. Anyone not-evil at least.
The voice comes back once more. And this time, I can see where it’s coming from – Hyrule Castle. But the castle doesn’t just look old…it’s surrounded by the red and black miasma, and a large, roaring figure, circling it rapidly. Ganon. The voice fades, pleading with me to save Hyrule. It sounds so desperate. Of course I’m going to help.
But uh…how the hell do I get down from here? Hello? …voice?
Heart Containers: 3
Rupees: 0
Bokoblins killed: 2
Bugs: Yes
Mountains exploded: 1 (I think)
When the game first boots up, I thought I missed something. There's no intro or menu like the Zelda games I'm used to, it just launches right into the game. Then a Voice starts talking. It’s a little fucking weird to hear someone actually talking to you in a Zelda game. There’s a bright light, and then…there I am. Link. Mostly naked and in some kind of…you know, coffin sounds morbid, but I’m not sure what else you call a box for a body? The voice continues to call for me as the not-coffin gets drained of liquid, and I wake up.
 |
| I’m as lost as you are buddy. |
After a little exploration and button testing, I head over to the slightly glowing pedestal on the opposite end of the room. The voice begins to speak to me again, asking me to interact with the pedestal, which nets me a fancy new Sheikah Slate. Insert whatever iPad joke that has already been made a million times here. Using the slate, I exit this room into the next, where I come across my first set of chests. That didn’t take long. Inside is…some really old clothing. Maybe it used to be mine? Thanks, voice-lady, if you are the one who put my clothes away. We’re just going to skip past the bit where that also means you undressed me. You probably could have used a single chest.
I’m led to another pedestal to open another door, and a cutscene takes over. The voice begins talking again as the door opens. I’m fed the usual Zelda opening spiel – I’m the chosen one, only I can save Hyrule, etc. - but there’s something about hearing it voiced that gets my heart racing just a little more than usual. What gets my heart racing A LOT is what comes next. I make my way towards the exit, climbing over my first wall along the way. Simple enough, if not oddly placed. Guess they want to teach me about climbing. Game design! I run up the stairs towards the exit, and once again the game takes over, and just…
Wow. Like, holy crap. Look at that view. It’s gorgeous.
 |
| The fields, the mountains, the castle… It’s breath (of the wild) taking. ...I'll see myself out... |
Also, whoops, forgot to put my clothes on.
And then suddenly I see a weird Old Man. Who is watching me. Welp, that got creepy fast.
Once the game puts me back in control, I check out the surrounding area briefly, finding things like Tree Branches I can use as weapons, and Hylian Shrooms I can eat to heal myself. The voice hasn’t said anything, not even a warning about my exposed nethers, so there isn’t much to do except head down to the old dude who was perving on me.
As I make my way down a path, she makes herself known again – girl, work on your timing damn. She shows me how I can use my slate as a map, though it's just a bunch of blue shapes and lines instead of an actually like, map. But there is at least a waypoint I can head towards, because I've also been given my first quest!
Follow the Sheikah Slate
I’ll get on right on that… right after I go check out what’s up with that old man.He’s up ahead along the path, and at least moderately helpful, if not judgmental over my clothing choices (or lack thereof). After scaring the shit out of me for picking up one of his apples, he gives me some background on Hyrule, and where we are – the Great Plateau.
 |
| “The birthplace of Hyrule.” …okay, but which time buddy? |
My first battle. I’d tell you all about the cool fight scene, but there wasn’t one. I hit it with a stick until it died. As is the American/Hyrulean way. He crumbled into black/purple dust, and left behind some…parts. A Bokoblin Horn and a Bokoblin Fang. Even more, less pleasant stuff to collect. Cool. I also decide to finally put on some pants as I probably don’t want to be so squishy anymore.
 |
| MURIKA! |
At the bottom of a staircase, I can see where the voice was sending me, a cave in the side of a small rocky hill. That’s on brand. But between me and there is another bokoblin. There’s actually a few, but I think this is the only one that can really “see” me. And they are just as dumb and oblivious as I remember. It’s not a problem at all for me to slowly sneak around this guy and get close enough to take his ass out with one hit. And he dropped a sword! A Traveler's Sword. A REAL sword! That I can hit more things with! Lost another tree branch though, so I better save it.
 |
| …how did the tower get under there in the first place though… |
Looks like the tiny mountain isn’t so tiny anymore. Or a mountain. In its place, a massive glowing tower has shot out of the ground, and I am apparently taking it for a ride into the sky. As I do, I’m treated to images of other similar towers sprouting out of the ground in other parts of the world. Whoops? Hope I didn’t break anything or kill anyone. Anyone not-evil at least.
Great Plateau Tower
Back at the top of the tower, I am treated to some more ancient technological wonders. Symbols begin glowing and moving, drawn towards the bottom of a rock positioned above the slate. A bright blue drop of light and water drops onto the slate and…my map is filled in! For the Great Plateau at least. I wonder what the storage space on the light drops are. |
| Guess I’ll just...take a nap or something... |
But uh…how the hell do I get down from here? Hello? …voice?
Heart Containers: 3
Rupees: 0
Bokoblins killed: 2
Bugs: Yes
Mountains exploded: 1 (I think)
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